Thursday 6 July 2017

WCW Starrcade 1999 Review

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Hello and welcome to another edition of Seanomaniac Wrestling Reviews, the only wrestling review series on the internet that is more degrading that being stuck on Main Event! WCW’s Starrcade of 1999, what a year it was for WCW. Never have I been subject to so many terrible pay per views back to back, not one glimmer of hope, not one bright spot, not one moment I can point to and say you know what, that was some good shit WCW. Just terrible decision after terrible decision, tonight is their Wrestlemania. The big matches include Sid Vicious vs Kevin Nash, Lex Luger vs Sting, David Flair vs DDP and Goldberg vs Bret Hart for the World Heavyweight Championship. I have no expectations from Russo, this is probably going to be a train-wreck.

Opening Promo

Watching on the Network, I get a tv-ma warning. Scott Hudson runs down all the card, a lot of stipulations and gimmick-style match including your customary object on a pole match. Way too many gimmick matches, this is taking the piss now.

Disco Inferno & Lash Leroux vs Big Vito & Johnny Stamboli W/ Tony Marinara

After stinking up the joint at Halloween Havoc, Leroux and Disco are now partners due to Disco being assaulted at the hands of Stamboli & Vito. Disco owed a Don a lot of money which led to Marinara bringing in his hired guns, Marinara has a briefcase and still plans on murdering Disco as was the story told by Schiavone on the last pay per view as Disco accidently hit Marinara with a chair.

Leroux starts with Vito, Disco is tossed to the floor. Right hand by Vito, Leroux’s face is raked by Vito. Suplex by Vito, chest slaps by Vito. Vito spits on Leroux, Leroux fires up before eating a superkick from Vito. Tag to Stamboli, double sledge with a choke. Hiptoss by Leroux, dropkick and a huge armdrag before a tag to Disco. Armwrench with a leg drop by Disco, inverted atomic drop and clothesline for Stamboli. Russian legsweep for two, Disco stomps all over Stamboli. Stamboli misses a corner clothesline but Stamboli sweeps the legs of Disco, right hands by Stamboli. Disco tries an O Connor roll but Vito nails Disco illegally, the two goons put the boots to Disco. Clothesline by Vito, tag to Stamboli.

Boot and neckbreaker combination for two, reverse chinlock by Stamboli. Disco fires up before being dragged down by his hair, tag to Vito. Double wishbone-split, double stomps with the referee distracted with Leroux. Double powerbomb-like manoeuvre by Vito & Stamboli. Scoop slam by Vito, Vito tries a middle rope splash. Disco dodges, tag to Leroux. Clotheslines for Vito, back body drop and a dropkick for Stamboli. Stomps for Vito, Stamboli clotheslines Vito by mistake. Stamboli and Vito are rammed into one another, Vito tosses Disco to the floor. Leroux clotheslines Stamboli, military facebuster by Stamboli. Leroux dodges Stamboli’s leg drop, Disco nails a huge splash. Vito saves Stamboli with a huge elbow, Leroux saves Disco from being pinned.

Ten punches by Leroux on Vito, Vito eats an elbow. Disco Last Dances Leroux by mistake, not seeing The Ragin’ Cajun coming behind him. Vito plants Leroux with a huge DDT picking up the win while Stamboli deals with Disco. After the match, Leroux and Disco are placed in the body bags and dragged to the back before being beat-up again backstage.

It wasn’t terrible, I have seen much worse to start off WCW pay per views. It always amazes me how hot WCW crowds can be at the beginning of a night and how far they fall in a few minutes. Anyways, Vito was unintentionally funny with Stamboli being ok, not sold on Lash Leroux just yet and Disco is Disco. Disco manages to be entertaining and control the fans, Vito and Stamboli put Disco in the trunk of their car. Big, big Sopranos vibe for all of this, not saying I do not dig it though!

Winners: Big Vito & Johnny Stamboli over Disco Inferno & Lash Leroux via Impaler DDT!

(WCW Cruiserweight Championship Match) Evan Karagias © W/ Spice vs Madusa

Chris Benoit comes down before having been granted the United States Championship as they put the title on Scott Hall and Hall proved he was as reliable as ever. Anyways, the last pay per view had many women attacking men and getting physical with men, the trend is continuing as Karagias cheated on Madusa with Nitro Girl Spice. The championship is on the line, Madusa planchas onto Karagias.

Karagias throws Madusa onto the steel steps, Madusa shakes it off. Right hand by Karagias, corner clothesline by Karagias. Powerslam by Karagias, Madusa avoids a springboard moonsault. Spinning sole butt by Madusa, middle rope missile dropkick by Madusa. Karagias yanks Madusa off the top rope, powerbomb by Karagias. Jacknife cover for two, powerbomb by Madusa. Madusa is elevated to the apron, hotshot by Karagias. Crossbody to the floor, Spice is on the apron. Low blow by Spice, she misses the low blow in fact and Karagias does not sell, German suplex by Madusa.

What a fucking load of shit, terrible match with terrible work throughout. Karagias decking Madusa in the face, what were they thinking? Some of the worst stuff I have ever seen in the ring, they fucked up the finish too. Absolutely terrible!

Winner: Madusa over Evan Karagias via German Suplex!

(WCW Hardcore Championship Match) Normal Smiley © vs Meng

Mean Gene interviews Smiley before the match, Smiley wets himself at any movement, it’s quite good. Smiley won the championship thanks to Jimmy Hart knocking out Brian Knobbs with a trash can shot, Smiley brings a skip full of weapons. Smiley puts on a football helmet before throwing his weapons into the ring. Meng chases Smiley, Meng shoves the skip into Smiley. Smiley begs for mercy, trash can shots to the head. They make their way to the backstage area, Smiley smacks Meng with a chair and sends Meng into some steel.

Meng chops down Smiley, huge headbutt. Meng stomps on Smiley with Smiley screams like a little bitch. Meng throws Smiley into catering, no weapons affect Meng. Smiley is slammed through a table, Smiley uses a fire extinguisher on Meng. Smiley dives back into the catering area, here is Fit Finlay. Knobbs is here too, Meng fights off Knobbs. Tonga Death Grip on Nobbs, Finlay saves Knobbs. Chairs and trash cans do not affect Meng, Finlay uses a lead pipe to knock out Meng. Smiley awakens and covers Meng for the win.

It made me laugh a little, that’s the best compliment I can give this pile of trash. It comes off as WWF-lite with the same kind of vibe and silly antics, hard to sell a match when Meng sells nothing except a lead pipe. By that logic, Meng should be damn near unbeatable.

Winner: Norman Smiley over Meng via Lead Pipe Shot!

Oklahoma is Kidnapped!

Oklahoma gives Dr. Death a pep talk before being caught by The Misfits and Vampiro.

The Revolution vs Jim Duggan & The Varsity Club

If Duggan loses, Duggan must denounce America and if The Revolution loses, they must perform janitor duties for thirty days. Riveting stuff, does not get better than that. What a flop The Revolution had been, utterly pointless. Douglas got injured right away although his mouth may be his best asset. Duggan has Mike Rotunda, Kevin Sullivan and Rick Steiner. Duggan and Saturn start, right hands all around. Saturn tags in Malenko, Malenko slips out but eats an elbow. Scoop slam, three point stance by Duggan and a knee drop. Saturn and Malenko exchange tags, Duggan is choked in the corner. Springboard dropkick by Saturn for two, clothesline by Saturn.

Saturn climbs to the top rope, Duggan dodges a moonsault. Rights and lefts by Duggan, Malenko nails Duggan with the flag. Two count for Saturn, tag to Malenko. Corner clotheslines by all of The Revolution, in come The Varsity Club. Sullivan decks Asya, Sullivans hits Asya with his running knee. The Varsity Club attack Duggan, what’s the reason for this? Low blow to Duggan, Douglas pins Duggan for the win.

So, The Varsity Club turned on Duggan yet continued to batter The Revolution? Seems about right for this company, what a load of bollocks. What was Duggan even doing on television at this point? Also, I find it funny that Douglas thought he could persuade Benoit, Malenko, Eddie and Saturn to stay in this company, Douglas must have been delusional.

Winners: The Revolution over The Varsity Club via Low Blow!

Vampiro vs Steve Williams

If Vampiro wins this match, Vampiro gets five minutes with Oklahoma. The Misfits wheel Oklahoma to the ring in their steel cage. The match begins with Vampiro diving off the cage onto Williams, Vampiro is sent into the guard rail. Vampiro is back dropped onto the floor, Vampiro no-sells for a superkick. Kicks by Vampiro, Williams begins chopping back at Vampiro. Shoulder block by Williams, three-point stance from Williams. Left jabs by Williams, Williams misses a corner knee.

 Back suplex by Vampiro for two, Vampiro climbs to the top turnbuckle. Williams meets Vampiro, eye rake by Williams. Top rope belly to belly suplex by Williams, Jerry Only and Michael Graves take clotheslines. Here comes Doyle and some other member, my Misfits’ knowledge is dated sorry. Huge pumpkick by Vampiro, Williams attacks Vampiro. The referee calls for the bell as Williams lays his hands on the referee. DUD!

Oklahoma vs Vampiro

Williams is assisted to the back by Doug Dillinger and the WCW security, Oklahoma is finally let out of the cage. Kick to the ribs and DDT by Oklahoma, stomps by Oklahoma. Vampiro gets up and chops Oklahoma, Oklahoma headbutts Vampiro’s balls. Huge uranage slam by Vampiro, The Misfits are in the ring. Oklahoma is walloped by the members of The Misfits before a Nail In The Coffin for the win.

Way to book a babyface needing five guys to beat Williams, this was shockingly bad. I cannot believe the quality of this show, it’s muck. What was Williams thinking? Stay in All Japan my man, you still could put on a great match if you needed to, this show is all trash.

Winner: Vampiro over Oklahoma via Nail In The Coffin!

Curt Hennig & Creative Control W/ Vincent vs Harlem Heat & Midnight

We are now treated to the third woman will be wrestling men on the card tonight, we have Midnight AKA Chyna rip-off teaming with Booker T and Stevie Ray. They are teasing dissension between Booker and Stevie Ray, that would be something new…Yeah, they seem to be running out of ideas, we had seen it before. No Stevie Ray, Booker is with Midnight. Booker and Don lock-up, Don stomps all over Booker. Booker counters for a clothesline, spinning heel kick by Booker for two. Tag to Ron, Ron puts the boots to Booker. Booker nails a flying forearm, armdrag by Booker. Tag to Midnight, big kicks by Midnight before Ron boots Midnight in the ribs. Midnight boots Ron and applies an armbar, tag to Booker.

Don grabs Booker’s foot, Hennig clubs Booker while Ron deals with the referee. Tag to Hennig, gut shot and a high knee from Hennig. Tag to Don, big boot for two. Tag to Ron, Booker kicks the face of Ron and nails a Scissors Kick. Tag to Midnight, right hands and a dropkick by Midnight. Hennig is whipped into Vincent, Hennig clotheslines Midnight to the floor. Hennig chops Midnight hard, reverse chinlock by Hennig. Hennig distracts the referee while Creative Control stomp her. Front chancery by Hennig, Booker misses the tag even though it is right in front of him.

Stevie Ray comes down to the ring, Booker tells Stevie Ray to leave. Hennig chops Midnight, tag to Ron. Scoop slams follow, Ron misses a middle rope elbow. Booker gets the tag and clubs everything in sight, Harlem Sidekick to Don. Spinebuster for Ron, Hennig waffles Booker with brass knuckles. Stevie Ray and Midnight argue, Don pins Booker and this shit-show is over. DUD!

Winners: Creative Control & Hennig over Harlem Heat & Midnight via Shenanigans!

Dustin Rhodes vs Jeff Jarrett (Bunkhouse Brawl Match)

Scrapping the character of Seven, Rhodes began fucking over Jarrett and Creative Control. The match starts in the back, Jarrett sends Rhodes into walls and such before coming towards the ringside area. Jarrett has a wheelbarrow of weapons, Rhodes is placed in the wheelbarrow and sent into the guard rail. Beer to the face, Rhodes no-sells and slams Jarrett into the wheelbarrow. In the ring, Rhodes nails Jarrett with a kendo stick. Eye rake by Rhodes, cowbell to the head by Rhodes. Jarrett is whipped on the announce table, Jarrett is pulled shoulder first into the ringpost.

Rhodes has some powder, Jarrett is blinded. Rhodes has some tape, Jarrett is whipped with the leather belt, the referee is attacked for what reason? Rhodes has the referee tied up in the corner, Jarrett low blows Rhodes. Here comes Hennig, an associate of Jarrett. Hennig unties the referee, Jarrett waffles Rhodes with the kendo stick. Sleeper by Jarrett, Rhodes escapes for a back suplex. Right hands by Rhodes, sidewalk slam and Hennig pulls on Rhodes’ leg. Sunset flip by Jarrett for two, Rhodes sets up for Shattered Dreams. It connects, Hennig pulls out the referee. Hennig tastes Shattered Dreams, Jarrett back drops Rhodes to the floor.

Rhodes batters Jarrett to the top of the stage, Rhodes is climbing the stage structure. Hennig is here again, bulldog by Rhodes on Hennig. Jarrett climbs a ladder nearby and grabs a guitar, Jarrett waffles Rhodes with the guitar and we have a winner.

It was a decent brawl for the most part, I groaned as I saw Hennig come to ringside, it was far too much. Repeated interference, basically a handicap match, it was just the same stuff we have seen all through the pay per view and I have been at my wit’s end for quite some time now. I care not for this pay per view it is garbage plain and simple.

Winner: Jeff Jarrett over Dustin Rhodes via Guitar Shot!

(Crowbar on a Pole Match) DDP vs David Flair

You know what? I have no idea who is the babyface in this match. DDP was taken out by David Flair and his crowbar but Kimberly had tried to manipulate David Flair into turning against his father. DDP had been a heel for the majority of the year but seemed to be babyface yet David is fighting for his father’s honour after DDP defeated him. I honestly have no idea who to cheer in this one, Flair attacks DDP from the crowd and DDP is holding his ribs asnd it looks like DDP is not able to compete in this match.

Ok, DDP crawls into the ring to start the match like a babyface, Flair stomps all over DDP. Roll-up by DDP for two, Flair goes back to the ribs. Eye poke by DDP, sunset flip attempt by Flair for two. Knee to the ribs and a DDT by Flair for two, DDP hammers Flair in the corner. Clothesline out of the corner from Flair for two, discuss lariat by DDP as Flair is talking with the referee. Scoop slam by Flair, Flair looks towards the crowbar. Figure four by Flair, DDP ducks the crowbar shot for a Diamond Cutter, DDP walks away with the win.

Possibly the best match of David Flair’s career, they told a good story even if I was confused as to who was the babyface as both men had been dastardly in recent months. For example, after the match DDP plans to beat the piss out of David Flair like a heel. Daffney protects a fallen David Flair as DDP looks on like what the fuck. Anyways, they told a decent story with DDP hurting and at a disadvantage, crowd popped for The Diamond Cutter. Good considering the shit I have seen so far.

Winner: DDP over David Flair via Diamond Cutter!

Lex Luger vs Sting (Miss Elizabeth’s contract is on the Line)

Luger had lost an important match to Meng due to Elizabeth spraying Luger in the eyes by mistake. Luger turned on his manager, making her perform humiliating and degrading tasks, Sting being the badass hero that he is has stepped up to fight for Elizabeth.

Luger jumps Sting, clubbing blows to the back of The Stinger. Sting is stomped and bounced off the ring apron and guard rail. Luger stomps Sting in the ring, elbow drop for two. Sting is bounced off multiple top turnbuckles, each time it is less effective. Elizabeth slaps Luger and Sting dropkicks Luger. Double knockdown, Elizabeth is in the ring and showing concern for Luger? Elizabeth tries to mace Sting, Sting knew she would turn on him? Sting tells Elizabeth to fuck off, Clothesline by Sting.

Inverted atomic drop by Sting, huge splash for a two-count. Facebuster by Sting, Irish whip to the corner. Stinger Splash, make it two and Sting calls for The Scorpion Deathlock. Elizabeth has the bat, Sting sees Elizabeth. Sting tells Elizabeth to put down the bat, Sting turns his back and Elizabeth picks it back up and waffles Sting. Referee calls for the bell as Luger Pillmanizers Sting.

The fuck was that? Ladies and gentlemen Sting the dumbest babyface in the history of the world. Sting tells Elizabeth, the untrustworthy bitch to drop the bat and expected her to do that? What a joke, Sting no-sells getting his hand broken because he is supposed to be out-cold? I think the pain would wake you up. Anyways, I never like this kind of angles where the swerve is that the person in danger was in cahoots with his attacker all alone because the person in danger usually gets his/her ass kicked only to be like “Surprise, we were friends all along”. DUD!

Winner: Sting over Lex Luger via DQ!

(Powerbomb Match) Sid Vicious vs Kevin Nash

After blowing the potential money match between Sid Vicious and Goldberg, Sid was turned babyface and began a feud with Kevin Nash who had to retire at Road Wild but that did not last very long now did it? Nash starts with right hands to the head of Sid, knees in the corner by Nash. Huge slam by Nash for two, boot to the ribs by Sid. Sid motions for a Powerbomb but Nash low blows Sid but there is no DQ? Sid gains control ramming Nash into the ring apron, Nash is banged off the guard rail. Steel chair to the back by Sid, clothesline by Sid. Leg drop by Sid for two, right hand floors Nash.

Sid nails a powerslam, eye poke by Nash. Sid whips Nash into the referee, Powerbomb by Sid. Referee does not see it, Jarrett is here. Guitar to the head of Sid, Nash tries Powerbombing Sid but he cannot get The Millennium Man off his feet. Nash tells the referee that he powerbombed Sid and the referee says that is evidence is enough.

You have to be fucking joking me, this fucking company is a God damn joke. More Jarrett as if I have not seen him enough the last two pay per views, every second match he makes an appearance. And you have Nash telling the referee he powerbombed Sid, NASH TOLD THE REFEREE THAT HE DID IT AND THE REFEREE SAID THAT IS A GOOD ENOUGH STORY FOR ME????? Smart move to cut away right after, that was the shits.

Winner: Kevin Nash over Sid Vicious via Bullshit!

(WCW United States Championship Ladder Match) Chris Benoit vs Jeff Jarrett

Geez, I wonder was Jarrett paying Russo for this push, WCW had a habit of pushing ex-WWF guys but they were all made names like Savage and Hogan, Jeff Jarrett is nowhere near the same level in terms of draw and appeal. And this is the second match for Jarrett tonight, he is supposed to be a heel! Whenever somebody wrestles more than once, it’s either in a tournament or you are stacking the odds against a babyface. Starts with Benoit chopping and clotheslining Jarrett, backbreaker by Benoit. Benoit places Jarrett on the top rope, superplex by Benoit. Benoit grabs a ladder, Jarrett baseball slides the ladder into Benoit’s chest.

Jarrett drops Benoit onto the ladder, right hands by Jarrett. Benoit whips Jarrett into the ladder twice in the ring. Benoit is bleeding, Benoit climbs towards the championship. Jarrett crotches Benoit on the top rope, Jarrett crushes Benoit with the ladder. Jarrett runs Benoit face first into the ladder, Benoit reverses Jarrett but Jarrett blocks hitting the ladder. Jarrett ties up Benoit in the ladder and pulls the ladder down along with Benoit. Jarrett climbs towards the gold but Benoit has Jarrett stuck in the ladder now. Benoit climbs so Jarrett decides to trip himself along with Benoit.

Both men begin climbing to victory, Benoit is knocked off by Jarrett before Benoit shoves Jarrett off the ladder. Benoit is near the championship, Jarrett shoves Benoit off and Benoit hotshots himself. Jarrett climbs towards the championship but Benoit tips over Jarrett who lands groin first on the top rope. Benoit climbs with Jarrett climbing the top turnbuckle, Jarrett dropkicks the ladder and Benoit crashes to the mat. Jarrett gets the ladder dropkicked into his face, Benoit is on top of the ladder. Benoit nails Jarrett with a Diving Headbutt, Benoit now goes for the championship and brings down the title.

It’s a ladder match on speed, I think this could have been something very special but with thirteen matches on a card, time has to be sacrificed. It was very fast-paced, too fast-paced to really get into the story they were telling but there were some truly spectacular spots in this match. The headbutt, the dropkick some good spots that had the fans screaming and cheering for I think the first time since the beginning of the show.

Winner: Chris Benoit over Jeff Jarrett via Retrieval of The Belt!

(WCW World Heavyweight Championship Match) Goldberg vs Bret Hart © (No DQ Match)

Hart finally reached his potential in WCW by winning the World Championship, WCW decided it would be best to finally have Goldberg back in the WCW World Championship picture after at least a year of doing second-rate matches. The two shake hands before the match, lock-up. Goldberg shoves back Hart, another lock-up with Goldberg shoving down Hart. Side headlock takedown by Hart, shoulder block by Goldberg. Military press powerslam by Goldberg, clothesline by Goldberg. Short-arm clothesline by Goldberg, heel hook by Goldberg. Hart counters the heel hook for a Sharpshooter but Goldberg kicks off Hart. Hart rolls out for a breather, Goldberg is in pursuit. Hart whips Goldberg into the referee, surprise sur-fucking-prise.

We have a new referee, Goldberg drops Hart on the guard rail. Big boot by Goldberg, double underhook slam into the second referee. Spear misses as Hart slides out of the way, third referee in now. Figure four around the ringpost, elbows to the leg of Goldberg by the champion. Figure four in the ring by Hart, Goldberg turns it over so Hart breaks the hold. Hart stomps the knee of Goldberg, more leg wrenching by Hart. Goldberg reverses Hart and pummels the champion, eye rake by Hart and Hart knocks down the third referee. Concussion Kick by Goldberg, there it is the kick that ended Hart’s career. Spear by Goldberg, here comes Piper.

Piper has a referee shirt with a look on his face that says I have no intention on being here. Hart chop blocks Goldberg, Hart locks in The Sharpshooter. Piper rings the bell and everyone is confused as fuck as to what is going on. Hart screams in Piper’s face as Piper hands Hart the championship. That might be the most realistic representation of life under Russo I have ever seen.

So, they recreated Montreal with Bret, it was only two years before this and it was already old. The match was alright, I liked that the match was laid out to play to Goldberg’s strength and Hart’s veteran tactics. Both could do what they do best and it was enjoyable. That being said, three referee bumps and a Montreal Screwjob finish? Why? On your Wrestlemania why? Where can it go? Goldberg will fight Piper? Please Piper wouldn’t job to Savage, Goldberg wouldn’t have a hope.

Also, how disappointing for Bret Hart. His career in WCW lasted just over two years, so much potential. The storylines wrote themselves, Hart could reform The Hart Foundation or link up with Sting to take down The NWO, vanquishing the heels and making a tonne of money in the process. No, they had him be an associate of The NWO and made him just another guy. They could have Hart make the likes of Booker and Benoit, never happened they had him do stupid stuff with Hogan and Sting. He lost his brother and with this match, his career came to an end. I believed he wrestled a few more times including a hardcore match with the concussion and all that combined led to the end of his career. Regardless, a legend like Bret no matter what some might say about him, deserved going out on top in the WWF as opposed to the shit hole that was WCW in 1999.

Winner: Bret Hart over Goldberg via Screwjob!

That was WCW’s Starrcade 1999, arguably the worst show I have ever reviewed and I mean that, I have seen a lot of WCW and swallowed an awful lot of shit. But I just could not stomach this, this was truly insulting like the show was going ninety miles a second. Blink and three matches would be over, the finishes were dreadful. One match did not even have a finish, Nash telling the referee he powerbombed Sid, are you having a laugh? Awful stuff, as an overall package, this might be the worst pay per view I have seen or reviewed. Russo was already faltering and I have not even got to 2000, that tells you all you need to know, the final full year of WCW is going to be awful. Thanks for reading and remember: There’s always another night!

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