Sunday 2 July 2017

WWE Armageddon 2004 Review

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Hello and welcome to another edition of Seanomaniac’s Wrestling Reviews, the only wrestling review series on the internet that would give Lana another title match on Smackdown Live! It is the end of 2004 for WWE, Smackdown has the privilege of closing out with Armageddon 2004. It has been hit and miss but these last few shows have me excited for Wrestlemania and the year going forward, before that we get to see JBL defend his championship in a fatal four way against Booker T, Eddie Guerrero and The Undertaker. Other big matches on the card include John Cena vs Jesus for The United States Championship and RVD & Rey Mysterio defending their tag team championships against Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree. Like any show, it has potential but will it be a hit? Let’s find out!

Opening Promo

The clock is running out, chaos, suffering, death and Armageddon is upon us, the same old stuff with the narrator and religious like quotes. Jim Morrison blasts out, The End is near! I would show more love if I had not seen the same type of promo for every year that the pay per view existed but hey, it’s good when you look at the trash WCW produced years before.

(WWE Tag Team Championship Match) Rey Mysterio & Rob Van Dam © VS Rene Dupree & Kenzo Suzuki W/Hiroko

The titles changed hands on the previous episode of Smackdown, glad that Mysterio and Van Dam received a push and won the titles, they were always popular and bright spots on a sometimes darkened Smackdown roster. RVD & Suzuki begin the match, standing switch from Suzuki. RVD escapes from a headscissors, kick by Suzuki. Huge throat thrusts, RVD nails a spinning heel kick. Tag to Mysterio, 420 leg drop by the champions for two.

Springboard crossbody by Mysterio, hard Irish whip by Suzuki. Tag to Dupree, hard Irish whip. Dupree misses a corner splash, Mysterio ducks under Dupree’s legs but Dupree nails a big boot. Headscissors by Mysterio, Suzuki waffles Mysterio from the apron. Mysterio tries a sunset flip powerbomb on Suzuki, RVD assists Mysterio by nailing Suzuki with a diving thrust kick. RVD leaves Dupree on the barricade, spinning leg drop by RVD to Dupree. Mysterio covers in the ring for two, tag to RVD. Monkey flip/low dropkick combination for two, suplex by RVD. Dupree avoids Rolling Thunder and dropkicks RVD, Suzuki is down as Dupree reaches for a tag. RVD catapults Dupree into a springboard senton by Mysterio, two for RVD.

Suzuki grabs the legs of RVD, clothesline by Dupree. Tag to Suzuki, stomps by Suzuki. Clothesline by Suzuki, reverse chinlock by Suzuki. RVD spinkicks Suzuki, Mysterio is the legal man. Ten punches by Mysterio, Mysterio has Dupree for a headscissors but Suzuki hotshots Mysterio. Torrie Wilson comes out and chases off Hiroko. Scoop slam and knee drop by Suzuki for two, armbar by Suzuki. Mysterio almost tags RVD, Suzuki catches the leg of Mysterio and drags him back to the corner of the challengers. Tag to Dupree, low dropkick to the back by Dupree. Surfboard by Dupree, Mysterio kicks his way out of the hold. Mysterio reaches for RVD but Dupree atomic drops Mysterio, another tag to Suzuki.

Mysterio kicks away Suzuki, Suzuki dives on Mysterio for a waistlock. Back supex by Suzuki for two, tag to Dupree. Dupree cheap shots RVD, the challengers put the boots to Mysterio with the referee distracted. Tag to Suzuki, shoulder block by Suzuki for two. Dupree tags in with Mysterio sending Dupree into the ringpost with a hurricanrana. RVD tags in, split-legged moonsault on Dupree, Suzuki is bumped to the floor. Rolling Thunder and slingshot leg drop combination for two, Mysterio dropkicks Suzuki.

Suzuki elevates Mysterio to the floor, RVD wipes out Dupree and Suzuki. Sunset flip by RVD, Dupree does not fall. Mysterio sends Dupree & Suzuki into the ropes, double 619. RVD throws Suzuki to the floor, Five Star Frog Splash on Dupree, the champions retain their titles.

Off to a good start, like the team of RVD and Mysterio. A lot of cool double team manoeuvres that pop the crowd, good chemistry with one another. Suzuki and Dupree were fine, I thought Suzuki was not as good as Dupree but a tag team setting is best for him if he wanted to be helpful or an asset to the WWE. Really fun match, perfect way to open the show.

Winners: RVD & Rey Mysterio over Rene Dupree & Kenzo Suzuki via Five Star Frog Splash!

Kurt Angle Invitational

Angle has two police officers carry his gold medal to the ring, offering a challenge to anybody who can defeat him. Angle calls out his opponent and it is Santa Claus, Santa throws candy at everyone. Angle calls Tazz a midget, best part of this whole segment. Angle Slam to begin, Ankle Lock and Angle wins the match. Not really a match so you cannot call it a DUD but it sure was a waste of time.

Winner: Kurt Angle over Santa via Ankle Lock!

(Dixie DogFight Match) Daniel Puder vs Mike “The Miz” Mizanin

Before this match, we are treated to two of the worst promos I have ever seen in my life, Miz has his pose down though in the hype package. So, they were running Tough Enough alongside The Diva Search. You get to see a bunch of nobodies and a young Ryback, I love how they are all big huge jocks. Miz stood out because he had a personality compared to everyone else, Puder also fucked himself over by trying to break Kurt Angle’s arm on an episode of Smackdown. Al Snow is doing commentary while Theodore Long is dancing his way to the ring to give that big fight feel for this match.

Lots of hugging in the match, Miz was aggressive in the first but it all looks like a big boring fight. Round two with Miz flopping like a fish, Puder fights dirty boxing Miz in the back of the head. Crowd is shitting all over this, thye want wrestling naturally enough. Puder wins the contest. DUD!

Winner: Daniel Puder over Miz via Referee Decision!

The Basham Brothers vs Charlie Haas & Hardcore Holly

The Bashams had disappeared only to reappear now as part of The Cabinet, Charlie Haas is no longer with Rico? This sucks massively, Rico was so much fun! Haas is in the face of The Bashams, Holly starts with Doug. Side headlock by Holly, hiptoss by Doug. Holly kicks off Doug, scoop slam and chops. Doug misses a corner splash, roll-up by Holly for two. Doug rakes the eyes, tag to Danny. Danny stomps Holly, Holly boots Danny from the corner. Back suplex for two, tag to Haas. Haas tees off on Danny, fireman’s carry for two. Doug forearms Haas, tag to Doug. Armdrags by Haas into an armbar, Doug forearms his way out, elbow to the face by Doug.

Reverse chinlock, Haas attacks Danny and goes back to Doug, Danny trips up Haas in the corner, Doug tags Danny. Scoop slam and elbows by Danny, discuss left hand by Danny for two. Tag to Doug, top wristlock choke by Doug. Haas wriggles free for an exploder suplex, tag to Holly. Clotheslines to The Bashams, back drop to Danny and dropkick to Doug. Leaping clothesline by Holly, Danny is tossed to the floor. Doug attacks Haas, powerslam by Holly for two. Dawn Marie is here, she helps Haas. Haas breaks up Dawn & Miss Jackie, The Bashams pull the old switch-a-roo and Danny small packages Holly. Holly gives Haas advice about the women which amounts to fuck them.

It was ok, Bashams needed the win if they were going to be JBL’s shield. Holly and Haas were just good hands, I do not think Haas has the charisma to pull off the womanizer gimmick, they should have just let him do his thing and wrestler. Maybe they enjoyed fucking with him because he was so straight? Anyways, this was pretty boring but served its purpose.

Winners: The Basham Brothers over Hardcore Holly & Charlie Haas via Roll-Up!

(WWE United States Championship Match) John Cena vs Jesus W/ Carlito (Street Fight Match)

John Cena debuts his new version of the United States Championship, it spins and it looked so cool at the time. Anyways, Jesus is the man who stabbed Cena in a nightclub, puncturing The Doctor Of Thuganomics’ kidney. Cena pummels the shite of Jesus, Carlito distracts Cena which leads to a kendo stick shot to the kidney. Cena bares the pain and wallops Jesus, Carlito is running terrified away from Cena. Cena busts the stick over the arm of Jesus, Cena boots Jesus’ head into the ringpost. Cena goes after Carlito, Carlito runs up the ramp so Cena turns his attention to Jesus. Right hands by Cena, boot to the head by Cena. Cena batters Jesus into the crowd, Carlito saves Jesus from being thrown off a balcony.

Jesus has trash dumped on his head, chest slaps by Cena. Jesus and Carlito try to beat down Cena, it does not work. Headbutt by Cena, Cena dives off the barricade to nail Jesus with a bulldog. Cena waffles Jesus with a bunch of raod signs, FU by Cena and this match is over.

Not much of a match, more of a beatdown from the champion.  Unfortunate that Carlito was injured, I would have liked to see a match between the two. A lot of this pay per view feels like filler since the tag team championship match ended.

Winner: John Cena over Jesus via FU!

Charlier Haas & Miss Jackie Segment

Haas is frustrated and Jackie wants to kill Dawn. They kiss and make-up with Haas wishing Jackie good luck. The engaged couple kiss and Haas smacks Jackie’s ass (Lucky Bastard).

Dawn Marie vs Jackie Gayda (Charlie Haas is The Special Guest Referee)

Dawn slaps Jackie, Jackie throws around and knees Dawn in the face. Dawn headbutts Jackie, slugfest between the two ladies. Jackie spears down Dawn, they roll-over Haas as they love that spot. Dawn is in Haas’ face, Jackie is rolled up by Dawn who uses the tights for leverage. Haas reveals there is an affair, the wedding is off and Jackie is shit in bed. Haas also dumps Dawn and walks off, what was the point of this whole thing? DUD!

Winner: Dawn Marie over Miss Jackie via Roll-up!

Joy Giovanni and Big Show Kiss

We cut away from the breakup of the century to see Joy Giovanni come out of nowhere and kiss Big Show? Why did they kiss? Where is this going? Will it be pointless? More than likely, what a load of poo poo.

The Big Show vs Kurt Angle/Mark Jindrak/Luther Reigns

Despite destroying Angle at No Mercy, Angle and his gang are back for more. Jindrak poses to insult Show, Show hoists Jindrak into the air using one arm and chops the chest of Jindrak. Jindrak is tossed across the ring, Jindrak tags in Angle. Show shoves down Angle, Angle tags in Reigns. Reigns smacks at Show, Show reverses the hold and chops Reigns. Show bounces Angle to the floor, Jindrak is dragged in the ring. Double headbutt by Show, Angle hotshots Show from the apron. Double shoulder block by Reigns & Jindrak for two, Angle tags in and kicks Show.

Quick tags by Jindrak and Reigns, they stomp Show. Double suplex for two, tag to Angle. Angle stomps and chokes Show before tagging in Reigns, Reigns lays in a few kicks before Jindrak tags in to work the legs of Show. Angle chop blocks Show to help out Jindrak, Jindrak applies a camel clutch to Show. Show gets angry and begins dominating Jindrak and Reigns, slams all around. Angle attacks the back of Show, Show motions for a Chokeslam but Jindrak and Reigns save their boss. Double clothesline by Show, Alley Oop Bomb by Show on Jindrak. Reigns comes in with right hands, Angle eats a headbutt. Reigns is dumped to the floor, Angle Slam on Show.

Show shakes off an Ankle Lock, Jindrak is tossed to the floor by Show. Big boot for Reigns, big boot by Show on Angle. Show picks up Jindrak and picks up the win with an F-5, this match is over.

Another nothing match in the grand scheme for things, the feud was old by this point with Show dominating Angle at seemingly every turn. Reigns and Jindrak seem to have been used up already, the group will quietly go their separate ways as we near Wrestlemania, neither man would go any further in the WWE.

Winner: Big Show over Team Angle via F-5!

Funaki & Spike Dudley Interview

Funaki wants to interview himself as he has a title match on pay per view, it was just about to get good before Spike interrupts, Spike calls Funaki a loser before Funaki walks off saying he will win the championship.

(WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match) Spike Dudley © vs Funaki

Funaki won a cruiserweight battle royal to become the number one contender, Funaki was often the butt of many jokes on Smackdown and being the jobber chosen to put over the new talent. Some nice mat wrestling to begin the match, roll-ups by Funaki for close twos. Spike runs into a drop toehold, Spike uses a forearm to escape, Irish whip which leads to an armdrag from Funaki. Armbar by Funaki, Spike is sent tumbling to the floor by Funaki. Baseball slide by Funaki, two for the challenger. Spike elbows Funaki, Spike climbs to the top rope but Funaki yanks off Spike. Low dropkick for two, right hand by Funaki.

Spike has Funaki on the apron, Spike suplexes Funaki sternum first to the floor. Baseball slide and double stomp by Spike, variation of the abdominal stretch. Hiptoss by Funaki for two, Spike goes to the ribs. Gutbuster by Spike for two, abdominal stretch by Spike. Spike clubs Funaki down, hard Irish whip by Spike. Funaki flips out of a back suplex, Spike is in the tree of woe. Funaki punches and double stomps the ribs of Spike. Right hands by Funaki, back body drop. Clothesline by Funaki, modified bulldog by Funaki for two. Enzuigiri by Funaki, two for the challenger. Spike misses a corner splash, crossbody by Funaki for two.

Funaki punches away at Spike, Spike blocks being banged off the top turnbuckle. Spike eats a huge right hand, Funaki was looking for a tornado DDT but Spike shoves off Funaki. Headbutt by Spike, Funaki stops The Dudley Dog and through a series of roll-ups, Funaki jacknife covers Spike for the championship win.

Well, way to kill the hard work you were putting into this division again. Every time they get going with the cruiserweights, they do something to kill off the division, we have seen women win the championship, retired wrestlers and now Funaki, I love the guy but he had not one a match in how long and you have him beat Spike who had a good thing going as The Boss, I have no idea what they will do now.

Winner: Funaki over Spike Dudley via Roll-Up!

(WWE Championship Match) The Undertaker vs Booker T vs Eddie Guerrero vs JBL ©

All challengers had failed to defeat JBL whether it due to poor-refereeing or pure luck, JBL had survived but the champion was now in trouble. JBL’s worst three nightmares are coming for the gold, there is no cabinet for JBL. JBL is all alone against the best Smackdown has to offer, it might be the worst day of JBL’s life. I thought the promo was quite good and JBL’s performance in a segment before the match starts is great too. JBL gets a pep talk from his cabinet as he looks like he just lost a child.

JBL rolls to the floor, Taker decides to attack Booker and Eddie. Big boot to Booker, right hands to Eddie. JBL covers Booker, gets a two and rolls to the floor. JBL rolls into the ring, JBL is pinballed around the ring by the babyfaces, Taker covers which leads to Booker & Eddie attacking Taker. Double back elbow by Eddie & Booker, Eddie goes for the knee of Taker. JBL re-enters the ring to suplex Eddie for two, Booker full-nelsons JBL. Eddie dropkicks JBL, double clothesline. Slingshot hilo on JBL, Taker is kicked out of the ring by Booker. Booker and Eddie have words, Taker takes charge. Sidewalk slam on JBL for two, Eddie is clotheslined to the floor. Taker DDTs Booker, JBL saves his championship. Taker hammers JBL on the floor, headbutt with JBL flopping down like a fish.

Taker sends Booker into the crowd, eye rake by JBL on Taker. The announce table is cleared, JBL motions for a powerbomb. Taker counters with a back body drop, Eddie is dragged into the ring. Eddie begs for mercy, right hands by Taker. Back body drop by Taker, two for Taker. Booker runs into Taker, Taker misses a big boot. JBL slides in and neckbreakers Booker for two, chops and right hands by JBL. Taker elbows Eddie in the corner, JBL rolls out of the ring again. Booker begins hammering Taker, spinebuster by Taker. Taker has Booker for Old School, it connects. Complete shot by Taker for two, Eddie saves the match. Right hands by Eddie, Taker reverses Latino Heat, throwing Eddie to the floor.

JBL Clotheslines Taker on the floor after Taker dropped Eddie with a leg drop, big boot in the ring by JBL on Booker for two. JBL chokes Booker with his wrist tape, Eddie pulls out a ladder? Ok, not expecting this for a fatal four way. Taker is rocked with the ladder, back elbow by JBL on Booker. JBL has his championship, Booker kicks it back into JBL’s face. Booker kicks everyone down, Scissors Kick on Eddie. Eddie kicks out at two and a half, Booker kicks Taker on the floor but JBL bounces Booker off the steel steps. JBL powerbombs Booker onto the announce table, JBL breaks the table with a jumping elbow drop.

Taker throws JBL through the announce table with a Last Ride, Eddie plays dead unbeknownst to Taker. Eddie slides out of The Tombstone but walks into a Chokeslam. Taker sets up The Last Ride, Eddie carried up the championship and waffles Taker. Eddie climbs high, Frog Splash by Eddie. Make it two, Taker kicks out of The Frog Splashes, Taker sits-up from Eddie’s best shot. Low blow by Eddie, Eddie smacks Taker with the ladder. Eddie is climbing the ladder, Frog Splash from the top of the ladder. Eddie sucks it up and covers Taker, JBL pulls out the referee. Taker is waffled again with the ladder, JBL returns to smack his head off the ladder. Three Amigos by Eddie, Booker breaks up the pin.

Scissors Kick on JBL, Taker makes the save. Taker headbutts Eddie over and over, hard Irish whip into snake eyes and a big boot. Leg drop with Booker saving Eddie, Chokeslam on Booker. Chokeslam on Eddie, Chokeslam on JBL. Taker is attacked by Heidenreich again, JBL is saved from the Tombstone Piledriver. Sidewalk Slam on Taker, JBL covers Booker but Booker kicks out at two. JBL covers Eddie but Eddie kicks out at two. JBL pisses himself as Taker sits-up, Heidenreich chokes out Taker while JBL Clotheslines Booker for the win.

A whole lot of fun, it was fantastic for this pay per view. There was so much filler, I am so glad they had this match to send the fans home like they got their monies worth. Everyone had moments to shine, the table and ladder stuff brought even more excitement to this match, JBL was a slimeball, despicable heel who pissed everyone off and played the coward to perfection. Liked the finish too, only knock is more Heidenreich vs Taker, Taker had beaten Heidenreich decisively there was no real need for more feuding.

Winner: JBL over Everyone Else via Clothesline From Hell!

That was WWE’s Armageddon of 2004, a lousy end to the year. They are two matches worth seeing on the show, the opener and the closer. Everything in between was there to kill time for the main event. It was like an extended episode of Smackdown and had some bad stuff, I still do not know what the Charlie Haas thing accomplished and why Team Angle were jobbed out to Big Show or why Funaki ended the run of Spike Dudley. A lot of questionable stuff happened on this show but hey, new year and new WWE perhaps. Thanks for reading and remember: There’s always another night!

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