Tuesday 26 December 2017

ECW December To Dismember 2006 Review

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Hello and welcome to another edition of Seanomaniac Wrestling Reviews, the only wrestling review series on the internet that blows as much as this pay per view! Fuck my luck, it’s time for ECW’s December To Dismember 2006. Where do we even begin with this? There was one ECW pay per view after the brand was revived, you are about to learn why there was only one pay per view for ECW. The main event is an extreme elimination chamber match featuring the top stars of ECW and the opening match features The Hardys vs MNM. These were the only two matches announced before the show, that’s an issue. But they will pad out the card right? Right? Oh you already know let’s get this on the road!

The Hardy Boyz vs MNM W/ Melina

MNM are back, Mercury comes back and all was forgiven apparently as they further the feud between Jeff Hardy and Johnny Nitro. The first match features zero ECW talent, that is not a good sign. It is almost like saying here are the real stars guys, do not mind the regulars.

Mercury and Matt start, lock-up with clean break. Side headlock takedown by Matt, shoulder block by Matt. Hiptoss by Matt, stand-off with everyone in the ring. Arm-wringer from Mercury, Matt reverses for a hammerlock and tag to Jeff. Knee drop on the arm by Jeff, tag to Matt. Elbow by Mercury, Nitro tags in and eats a hiptoss. Arm-wringer by Matt, tag to Jeff. Slingshot dropkick by Jeff for two, tag to Matt for a back elbow. Nice wheelbarrow slam to Mercury, Hardys rule the ring. Tag to Jeff, Nitro counters a jawbreaker with a shot low on Jeff, tag to Mercury. Back elbow for two, tag to Nitro. Neckbreaker by Nitro, Nitro misses a standing shooting star press. Tag to Matt, elbows by Matt.

Splash Mountain powerbomb by Matt with Mercury saving Nitro. Melina grabs Matt’s foot, Matt is distracted and Mercury clotheslines Matt. Double gutbuster by MNM, corner knee by Nitro. Two for Nitro, Melina chokes Matt with a headscissors. Cheap shot to Jeff, sit-out slam by MNM. Two for Mercury tag to Nitro. Matt dodges a double suplex for a double neckbreaker, Jeff is knocked off the apron. Poetry in motion by MNM, Matt avoids the extreme combination. Mercury’s head meets Nitro’s sack, tag to Jeff. Flying forearms by Jeff, inverted atomic drop and leg drop to the groin. Nitro saves Mercury, sit-out suplex by Jeff. Matt and Mercury brawl, Matt clotheslines Mercury to the floor. Plancha by Matt, Nitro suicide dives onto both with Jeff jumping on everyone with a crossbody.

Poetry In Motion, Twist of Fate but Nitro pulls out Mercury from a Swanton Bomb. Springboard dropkick by Nitro for two, double catapult by MNM. Mercury is legal, surfboard stretch from Mercury. Tag to Nitro, double sledge into the corner by MNM. Hip hop leg drop by Nitro, Jeff fights back but is thrown to the floor. Melina slaps Jeff as Mercury tags in, double leg drop by MNM for two. Backbreaker and slingshot elbow drop by MNM, Matt saves Jeff. Jeff tries a sunset flip, Mercury attacks Jeff. Reverse chinlock by Mercury, Jeff fights out pushing Mercury to the floor with an O Connor roll. Mercury attacks Matt to stop the tag, Nitro stomps Jeff behind the referee’s back.

Jeff blocks the catapult to the corner and nails a Whisper in The Wind, tag to Matt. Double clothesline, right hands all around. Clothesline and bulldog combination, Side Effect on MNM. Nitro survives, scoop slam by Matt. Middle rope leg drop for two, The Hardys setup for their turnbuckle powerbomb finish but Mercury wipes out Matt and Nitro nails a hurricanrana on Jeff for two. Double stereo superplexes by The Hardys, Melina is on the apron. Nitro dropkicks Melina by mistake, roll-up by Jeff for two. MNM nail Snapshot on Jeff, Matt saves Jeff. Mercury throws Matt to the floor, Jeff is placed on the top rope. Super Snapshot is denied, Matt nails a double Twist of Fate. Mercury is placed on Nitro, Swanton Bomb by Jeff and The Hardys win the match.

Twenty-two minutes of action, the match basically reset in the middle so it made for a tough watch, they were clearly trying to fill as much time as possible. Also, poor Melina almost ended up being injured taking her one bump. Action was solid, there was still so much potential to The Hardys which WWE would capitalize on in the near future. Fine night for everyone involved but far too long.

Winners: The Hardy Boyz over MNM via Swanton Bomb!

RVD Promo

Very serious promo from RVD about the seriousness of the elimination chamber match, RVD is the clear favourite for the match.

Matt Striker vs Balls Mahoney

Oh my goodness, Striker has his face on his ass. Lovely close-ups of Striker’s ass, that is what this pay per view needs. Basically, Striker wants no weapons, no foul language and no cheating, Mahoney obliges for this very friendly wrestling match. Hiptoss and cross armbreaker by Balls, Striker makes it to the ropes. Mahoney runs shoulder first into the ringpost, Striker begins working the arm. Dropping his full weight on the arm, elbows to the arm by Striker.

Roll-up by Mahoney for two, Striker nails a cutter using Mahoney’s arm to drag down Mahoney. Two for Striker, more arm work from Striker. Irish whip to the corner, boot by Mahoney. Punches by Mahoney, Fujiwara armbar from Striker. Mahoney rolls through but Striker maintains control until a sidewalk slam, Mahoney is on the top rope and Striker crotches Mahoney. Roll-through into a Fujiwara armbar, Mahoney reaches the ropes. Right hands by Mahoney, back body drop. Jabs by Mahoney, big right. Striker eats a sit-out spinebuster and this match is over.

Oh boy, it would be a match that was fine for a house show or a regular episode of ECW. It is not exactly a huge feud or something that meant anything in the grand scheme of things. It was just there, it was ok.

Winner: Balls Mahoney over Matt Striker via Spinebuster!

Sabu is Attacked!

Sabu is out of the main event as Sabu has been attacked and unresponsive backstage. Fans scream bullshit, this I not looking good.

The FBI W/ Trinity vs Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay

Trinity did well for herself to go from TNA to WWE, do not know how long it lasted but is flat-out a squash match. Guido and Mamaluke are lambs to the slaughter for Burke and Terkay, Guido trips Burke and paintbrushes the youngster. Tag to Mamaluke, side headlock takedown. Double hiptoss and elbow by The FBI, Mamaluke is back in from a quick tag from Guido. Knee by Burke and here comes Terkay, knees by Terkay. Terkay misses a Stinger splash, Guido tags into the match. Terkay catches Guido to stop a crossbody, Terkay dumps Guido onto Mamaluke. Tag to Burke, reverse chinlock.

Guido fights back, elbows to the ribs. Terkay headbutts Guido for two, Burke tags Terkay. Massive kick by Terkay, tag to Burke. Elijah Express, STO with Mamaluke saving the match. Reverse chinlock, tag to Mamaluke. Dropkicks by Mamaluke, flying chop. Terkay eats a double low dropkick to the knees and face, double flapjack. Burke kicks out, Terkay pulls out Guido. Terkay forearms Mamaluke, Elijah Experience and the match is over.

Mercifully, it was over I must say with the crowd being as silent as a funeral. Nobody believed FBI had a chance, when nobody cares the match dies a slow death. I would argue that this went far too long, I don’t think FBI should have had any offense on the hot new act but they needed to stretch it out somehow, it is dragging really bad by this point and I am not even near the main event.

Winners: Burke & Terkay over FBI via Elijah Experience!

Daivari W/ Great Khali vs Tommy Dreamer

The big matches just keep coming, Khali and Daivari are back I have not seen the two since Great American Bash where The Punjabi Prison match was no longer featuring Great Khali. Daivari attacks Dreamer after a distraction from Khali, hiptoss by Dreamer. Eye rake and dropkick by Daivari, baseball slide by Daivari. Dreamer whips Daivari into the barricade, suplex by Dreamer. Khali lowbridges Dreamer, the referee sends Khali out of the arena. Daivari regains his composure and applies a reverse chinlock. Dreamer is yanked to the mat by his hair, elbows by Daivari for two. Dreamer fights back before another sleeper, Dreamer shakes off Daivari by dropping his weight back crushing Daivari.

Dreamer nails right hands, back body drop by Dreamer. Scoop slam into an inverted DDT for two, Daivari rakes the eyes to avoid a dreamer driver. Dreamer meets Daivari on the middle rope, Daivari shoves off Dreamer. Dreamer ducks the crossbody, Daivari is in the tree of woe. Low dropkick from Dreamer, Daivari rolls-up Dreamer with a handful of tights for the win. Afterwards, Khali decimates Dreamer on the ramp.

Who cares I mean in all honesty who cares at this point in the night? Nobody wants to see this kind of stuff on pay per view, it is as basic as you can get. It is almost insulting that they thought they could get away with putting this kind of trash on pay per view. Kind of reminds me of classic ECW as I continue to sift through the company’s pay per views.

Winner: Daivari over Tommy Dreamer via Roll-Up!

Hardcore Holly Is In And Sabu Is Out!

Holly is in the match, Holly grins like a prick at this announcement.

Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly vs Kevin Thorn & Ariel

CM Punk dodged a huge bullet my friends! Kelly was smitten with Punk giving a shout-out and wishing Punk the best of luck in the main event. Knox being Kelly’s boyfriend is understandably pissed but they have this match against a fellow heel in Kevin Thorn. So three heels and one babyface in Kelly Kelly who should not be in the ring like anywhere near it at all. Knox and Thorn feel one another out, arm-wringer is broken by Thorn. Right hand by Thorn, Polish hammer from Thorn. Knees to the back, forearms to the face. Knox yanks Thorn down by the hair, massive motherfucking lariat from Knox. Eye poke by Thorn, short-arm clothesline.

Right hands and scoop slam by Knox for two, Thorn blocks a corner clothesline but eats a boot for two. Ariel continues to scream and be the most annoying thing on the planet, Knox has a front chancery. Ariel tags in which means Kelly must tag into the match. Ariel kicks down Kelly, choke using the ropes by Ariel. Forearms by Ariel, foot choke in the corner. Kelly dodges a corner splash but is smacked in the back, elbow drop by Ariel. Kelly wants the tag but Knox abandons Kelly who had been courting CM Punk, she had it coming to be honest with you. STO for the win.

The screaming was enough to kill this for me, nevermind all the terrible wrestling, the flat crowd and lack of skill and technical ability on display from everyone in this match. The best part is The Sandman coming in at the very end to cane the shit out of Thorn.

Winners: Thorn & Ariel over Kelly Kelly & Knox via STO!

(ECW Heavyweight Championship Extreme Elimination Chamber Match) The Big Show © vs Test vs Hardcore Holly vs Bobby Lashley vs CM Punk vs Rob Van Dam

Finally, we are at the main event with an extreme elimination chamber to decide who is the man in the land of extreme. Big Show had been dominant since the brand’s inception as RVD lost the championship to Show due to being arrested for possession of substances that RVD should not have held. So, we have six of the best on ECW, Holly and RVD start. Right hands by RVD, RVD is whipped to the floor. RVD eats a hotshot from Holly, RVD kicks Holly square in the face. RVD jumps from the turnbuckle, Holly ducks but RVD lands on the wall like Spiderman. However, RVD misses a splash and takes himself down landing on the ropes. Holly sends RVD into the wall, scoop slam on the floor. Holly is on the top turnbuckle, Holly tries a splash but RVD blocks with a boot. Rolling Thunder to the floor by RVD, Holly suplexes RVD into the ring.

Two for Holly, RVD low dropkicks Holly. Holly nails his own dropkick for two, the first pod opens and CM Punk is in the match. Chair to the head of Holly, springboard clothesline to RVD. RVD throws a chair back at Punk, RVD monkey flips Punk onto the chair. RVD eats a leg drop onto the chair from Punk, springboard dropkick by Punk to Holly. Punk wedges a chair in the corner, RVD is bleeding. Punk sends RVD into the chair, vile kick by Punk. Punk tries a hurricanrana on Holly, Holly counters sending Punk into the wall. Sidewalk slam by Holly on Punk, two for Holly. Holly wants a superplex on Punk, Holly connects.

RVD covers for two, Punk nails Holly with his high knee. RVD boots Punk in the face, Test is the second man in the match. Crowbar to the ribs of Punk, RVD’s face is raked at by Test. Punk is choked with the crowbar, Punk hotshots Test to derail his momentum. RVD clotheslines and superkicks Holly, Test is waffled with the chair. Running dropkick to Punk, Five Star Frog Splash on Punk and that’s all for Punk. Test measures RVD for a Big Boot but nails Holly, Holly is gone.

Punk/Holly Have Been Eliminated!

RVD nails Test with a diving thrust kick, RVD climbs to the pod of Big Show. Show grabs the leg of RVD, RVD is now stuck on the top of the pod. Test comes in with a chair, RVD eats a massive chair shot to the knees and back. Test yanks RVD down and lays a chair on RVD’s face. Test climbs to Show’s pod and delivers an elbow old school Test style and that’s all she wrote for RVD.

RVD Has Been Eliminated!

We wait with nothing happening as Lashley is not in the match yet from his pod, we wait for a minute and a half as nothing happens. Delightful, Heyman’s goons lock in Lashley, Lashley smashes through the top of the pod and escapes to fight Test. Diving clothesline by Lashley, Test is sent crashing into the pod. Right hands to the face of Test, eye poke by Test. Foot choke in the corner, Lashley kicks a chair back into Test’s face. Clothesline and snap suplex by Lashley, crowbar to the ribs of Test and a massive Spear.

Test Has Been Eliminated!

Down to two, Show and Lashley. Lashley pulls out a table as we wait for Show to enter the match. Still forty seconds to wait, Lashley tries breaking into the pod. Show has a barbed wire bat, Lashley uses a chair to shield himself from Show. Show gets the bat stuck in the chamber, Lashley rams Show into the wall. Show is bleeding and thrown through the pod, right hands by Lashley. Show tosses Lashley into the ring, clothesline by Show. Show calls for the end, Lashley dodges for a DDT. They slug it out, Show misses a splash. Show looks for a powerslam, Lashley wriggles free for a Spear, it is over.

Three eliminations out of four happened back to back, no time to set in, no time to allow the match to breather. But maybe that was for the better as this was not a good elimination chamber match, it could have been done a  lot better. I did not feel the struggle for Lashley to win, Lashley went in and dominated that was all there was to it. No struggle, no babyface overcoming the odds I mean he was the second last one in the ring. RVD and Punk were far more over with the audience, the best parts of the match had RVD in them while Punk did not get much of a chance to shine in the slightest. Lashley is crowned your new champion, Lashley had such a strange career trajectory. From looking like a monster to jobbing out to the likes of Finlay, Kane in the survivor series match, losing to Booker, all these losses build up and yet, the idea is that Lashley is this unstoppable beast? I find it hard to buy into that idea when young Lashley had been stopped so many times.

Winner: Bobby Lashley over Big Show via Spear!

That was ECW’s December to Dismember 2006, a terrible show in every sense of the word. The pay per view had the vibe of a UK pay per view mixed with New Year’s Resolution, what I mean by this is the matches are a poorer standard because the wrestlers do not need to work as hard at Rebellion or Insurrextion as we all know no championship changes or anything of significance will take place. The New Year’s Resolution aspect is this show was built around one match, that being the chamber and even if the rest of the card is weak, the main event, the chamber match will make up for it.

However, this does not happen here. We have house show level matches sprinkled throughout the card with people who were essentially thrown together for the sake of the pay per view. We even had a heel vs heel match in there at one point, it was terrible and the crowd reacted appropriately with silence as they knew they were watching a tonne of crap and going through the motions. This was the end of Paul Heyman in ECW, the messiah had been hindered by Vince’s direction for the brand but nobody could deny that this pay per view is one of the worst in recent memory. Thanks for reading and remember: There’s always another night!

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