Hello and welcome to another edition of Seanomaniac Wrestling Reviews, the only wrestling review series on the internet that doesn’t have Brad Shephard blocked! It’s WCW Uncensored 1996, the Alliance to end Hulkamania is here to destroy Hulk Hogan! Konnan vs Eddie Guerrero for the United States Championship, Finlay vs Regal and a number one contender’s match between Giant and Loch Ness aka Giant Haystacks of British Wrestling Fame.
(WCW United States Heavyweight Championship Match) Konnan © vs Eddie Guerrero
Much better than having to watch One Man Gang in there with Konnan, this should be fun. Lock-up and clean break from Eddie, Konnan takes the back. Rings of Saturn stretch by Konnan, arm-drag by Konnan. Eddie lands an arm-drag of his own and slaps on a figure four, Konnan makes it to the ropes. Konnan shoots for the ankle, both men show some nice pinning skills before we end in a clean break. Konnan takes the back but Eddie shows superior skills here and applies a stretch to Konnan, Konnan takes the legs and goes for a heel hook. Konnan transitions into a Boston crab, Konnan blocks the arm-drag and lands one of his own. Eddie lands one too, both show great speed and slap one another.
Dropkick by Eddie, uppercut and Eddie places Konnan on the top rope. Camel clutch by Eddie, Konnan fights back with a side headlock. Arm-drags by Konnan, Eddie is on the floor. Side headlock takedown by Eddie, Konnan uses his legs to try and break the hold. Konnan uses another stretch hold on Eddie, Eddie lands on his feet out of a monkey flip. Arm-drag and a tilt-a-whirl head-scissors. Diving crossbody to the floor, slingshot splash by Eddie for two. Head-scissors choke by Eddie, Konnan lands a German suplex. Eddie counters the second with a pin, Konnan counters another suplex with a pin attempt but it’s two all around for both. Clothesline by Konnan, Hurricanrana by Eddie. Eddie rolls through for two, Konnan fights back and goes for a powerbomb. Splash-Mountain Bomb for two!
Konnan sends Eddie to the floor, suicide dive by Konnan. Eddie slips out of a suplex, Konnan lands a pair of elbows and a clothesline for two. Eddie stops Konnan climbing the top rope, superplex by Eddie. Two for Eddie, Eddie is on the top rope. Konnan tries a powerslam but Eddie counters for a small package for two. Eddie tries a leap-frog and Konnan headbutts Eddie right in the balls and covers for the win.
Ballsy to put this match out there for twenty minutes but they are both very good workers, felt the chemistry was a little off here at times especially with the mat-work that seemed to take the crowd out of it at times but Eddie’s talents shine through here with the fans preferring Eddie in this match. This sort of high-speed match with arm-drags and aerial moves would become the norm very soon in WCW but the crowd is still adjusting to this style.
Winner: Konnan over Eddie Guerrero via Headbutt Down Low!
Lord Steven Regal W/ Jeeves vs The Belfast Bruiser
I remember with Regal had Bill Dundee as his manager but no idea about Jeeves, Belfast Bruiser is here and things are going to get incredibly stiff. Glad to see Regal back on PPV though, Bruiser comes in and smashes the shit out of Regal. Arm-drag by Regal for two, uppercuts by Regal. Bruiser lands a knee and an elbow drop for two, Bruiser stomps on the fingers and lands a lariat for two. Stiff kick to the spine, Bruiser is popular here. Regal kicks back and lands an uppercut, Regal chokes Bruiser on the mat. Regal stretches Bruiser in the middle of the ring, Regal eats a kick to the head. Snap-mare and knee-drop to the eye, Regal is shit-canned to the floor. Regal is pulled into the ring-post, Regal lands a big uppercut and dropkick onto Bruiser. Regal rakes the face of Bruiser, uppercut by Bruiser. Regal uses his palms to fight off Bruiser, Regal chokes Bruiser with his knee.
Eye-poke by Bruiser, senton by Bruiser. Reverse chin-lock, Regal escapes and the action spills to the floor. More kicks and uppercuts, Bruiser wants a suplex into the ring. Regal drops an apron elbow drop, we go back to the ring and start stretching one another. Stiff kick by Bruiser, Regal distracts the referee and murders Bruiser in the nether regions. Two for Regal, Bruiser is up and lands a knee to the back of the head and the forehead. Bruiser sends Regal to the corner, back body drop by Bruiser. Regal lands two stiff shots to the back of the head, Regal smashes Bruiser on the apron. Bruiser lands a shot to the face, Regal is driven into the ring apron. Chops by Bruiser, Bruiser lands a closed fist to the nose of Regal and Regal is spouting blood. Kick to the chest, Regal is bounced off the buckle twice before Regal uses his leg strength to kick Bruiser to the floor. The Blue Bloods come down and kick the shit out of Bruiser for the DQ.
Well I did enjoy this one, very brave of WCW to have a match like this and go this long but it was so engaging with both men beating the absolute tar out of one another, they are just throwing hands throughout the match and there is a nastiness present that is sorely missed in other matches in WCW, this felt like two people who hated one another beating the crap out of one another. The finish is definitely a downer but everything else was such a breath of fresh air, it doesn’t even bother me all that much.
Winner: Belfast Bruiser over Lord Steven Regal via DQ!
Colonel Robert Parker vs Medusa
Medusa ruined Parker’s wedding, Parker wants revenge. Parker locks-up with Medusa and flexes his muscles, Parker is thrown by Medusa. Parker goes for an airplane spin, Medusa counters with a sunset flip. Scoop slam by Medusa, Parker sells the shit out of it. Parker stalls and chokes Medusa and throws her to the mat, Parker misses an elbow. Middle rope dropkick by Medusa, make it two. Medusa lands the German Suplex, Dick Slater pulls out her leg and Parker falls on top! Comedy stuff but enjoyable, not the debut I assumed Medusa would have though, weird.
Winner: Parker over Medusa via Shenanigans!
(I Quit Wrestling Match) The Booty Man W/ The Booty Girl vs DDP
What happened to Johnny.B Badd and Kimberly? DDP is looking rough and homeless which matches what his character was going through so fair-play for the commitment to his work. However, what the hell is this crap? The Booty Man? Feels like a side character for The Disco Inferno, I do appreciate that we do get an explanation on Johnny B. Badd though. Badd left for the WWF so he lost Kimberly and turned heel in his final performance, what a downgrade for Kimberly having to be with The Booty Man. Must be truly awful as she is not even here with this ridiculous gimmick.
Smartly, they stall because nobody wants to see this shit. Booty Man (Can’t believe I am typing this) works the arm, DDP reaches the ropes. Booty Man works the arm, DDP lands a knee in the ropes. Booty Man is shot into the ropes, Booty Man holds onto the ropes and shakes his ass at DDP. Booty Man’s dancing skills are horrific, DDP is outraged with this development and the referee shoves down DDP who is irate. DDP is taking a walk, Booty Man lands big right hands in the aisleway. DDP is rammed into the ring-apron, DDP begs for mercy in the ring. DDP pulls Booty Man into the turnbuckle, elbows and kicks from DDP. Booty Man blocks and rams DDP off the turnbuckle over and over, DDP is on dream street.
DDP falls through the ropes, DDP bumps off the ring-post and into the crowd. Kimberly is here, she is wearing Booty Man colours. Kimberly was so gorgeous, Booty Man rams DDP into the guardrail but in the ring, DDP regains control with a side headlock. DDP is shoved off, they avoid one another before DDP struts and gets punched by Booty Man. Big right hands by Booty Man, more posing for the fans. They mess up a spot, not sure what was meant to happen. Ah we see as they repeat the spot, a crossbody miss from Booty Man. Kimberly is on the apron, DDP has spotted Kimberly. DDP chokes Booty Man, DDP points at Kimberly. Reverse chin-lock from DDP, Booty Man fights out but DDP is too strong at this stage of the match and has the reverse chin-lock once more. Booty Man fights out again but same result DDP is in control, Booty Man is hung up on the top rope. DDP asks Kimberly to come up on the apron, DDP kisses her and Kimberly slaps him, Booty Man lands his High Knee for the win.
That was horrific, I am not sure Booty Man ever had a good life in his match, I suppose you could say Summerslam 1989 counts but that was mostly about Hogan and Savage. Anyways, this is a massive downgrade from DDP vs Johnny B. Badd. WCW doing a retirement/fired angle for DDP? Let’s see how long it lasts. Horrible match!
Winner: Booty Man over DDP via High Knee!
(Number One Contender’s Match for The WCW World Heavyweight Championship) The Giant W/ Jimmy Hart vs Loch Ness
A veteran of the UK Wrestling scene, Loch Ness aka Giant Haystacks seems immobile at this point and now this big man not known for his bumping or carrying of other athletes must face The Giant who is as green as grass. This starts with Giant smashing Loch Ness before Loch Ness rakes the eyes and clobbers Giant. Giant elbows Loch Ness and stomps him in the corner. Giant tries a corner splash but misses and spills to the floor, clubbing blow to the throat. Running elbow drop by Loch Ness, Loch Ness misses the second time around. Giant clotheslines Loch Ness, superkick floors Loch Ness. Running Leg drop and it’s over. They did the right thing but that sure did suck!
Winner: The Giant over Loch Ness via Running Leg Drop!
(Chicago Street Fight Match) The Road Warriors vs Booker T & Sting
The Road Warriors have had problems with Harlem Heat & Sting & Luger so they are looking for some retribution on this night. I also like how a Chicago Street Fight can take place outside of Chicago, possibly the most strong of stipulations. Sting & Animal pair off while Hawk and Booker brawl on the floor, Animal lands ten punches in the corner. They trade partners with Booker T dropping Animal with a Scissors Kick, Hawk and Sting brawl by the entranceway. Animal lands his Powerslam on Booker followed by an elbow drop, Sting rakes Hawk’s eyes on the floor. Animal clubs down Sting and sends him ball-first into turnbuckle, Sting returns the favour. Hawk has to help his partner, where are the weapons?
Sting slams Animal, Booker piledrivers Hawk and Hawk no-sells like always. Clothesline on the floor, Animal drills Sting with a clothesline. Booker lands a Harlem Sidekick on Hawk, Sting lands a face-buster on Animal. Booker tries a top rope dive but Animal counters with a fist and a dropkick, Hawk lands a dropkick on Sting on the stage. Animal is coming to the stage, Hawk trades places with Animal. Sting takes a walk and grabs a chair, Booker T has an arm-bar on Hawk before Sting starts cracking Hawk with the chair. Animal is back though and Animal cracks Sting & Booker with the chair. Sting saves Booker from being pinned, Booker cracks Animal with a Harlem Sidekick. Piledriver by Sting on Hawk doesn’t work, why do they keep trying that? Hawk powerbombs Sting and stomps on his dick, Animal chokes Booker with a camera cable.
Reverse chin-lock, the four start brawling into the crowd. Hawk starts drilling people with a chair, Sting back-drops Hawk on the floor. Booker jumps off the apron and attacks Animal, kick after kick to the ribs. Sting is in the ring with Hawk, Booker and Animal go to the stage. Diving chop by Sting, Stinger Splash misses and Hawk lands a clothesline, fist drop by Hawk. Doomsday Device is stopped by Booker, Booker is on the top rope. Crossbody on Hawk for two, Sting & Animal collide, Sting lands on Animal’s balls. Hawk plants Booker with a belly to back suplex, Animal lands a low-blow on Sting. Sidewalk slam by Booker, Animal chokes the life out of Booker, Booker lands a low-blow. Hawk gut-wrenches Sting, Booker helps Sting regain control. Double clothesline on Animal, Sting suplexes Hawk onto the top rope, Animal no-sells a suplex from Booker and drills Booker.
Sting wanted a Boston crab but Animal just clubs at Sting, Hawk pulls Sting to the floor and they begin to brawl. Booker misses a kick on Animal, Hawk lands a diving clothesline on Booker. Sting and Animal are brawling by the ramp. Booker has a camel clutch on Hawk, Animal and Sting are also in the ring, Sting clamps on a camel clutch on Animal. Hawk boots down Booker, Animal and Sting brawl in the ring, both men hitting big moves before a double clothesline leaves both men down. Hawk & Booker are on the floor, Booker and Hawk are now in the ring. I am losing the will to live reviewing this garbage. Booker snap-mares Hawk, elbow drop misses but Spinaroonie and Booker waffles Hawk with a massive leaping Harlem Sidekick. Animal has a chair and Sting takes it across the back.
Sting takes down Animal and waffles him with the chair, Hawk is on the floor and takes out Sting, Hawk takes out Booker with the chair too. Hawk powerslams Booker for a close two, Sting has two brooms and Animal is laid out with brooms. Animal is back up and Sting is waffled in the throat, Animal breaks the broom over Booker’s back. Animal chokes Sting with half of a broom, Booker saves Sting from Animal. Animal & Booker are backstage, Luger is backstage in front of the mirror and Animal is sent into Luger. Luger and Stevie Ray beat the piss out of Animal, Jimmy Hart ties Animal to a pole backstage. Hawk is all alone, Hawk dodges a Harlem Hangover but Stevie Ray clocks Hawk with a chair-shot for the win.
Unbelievable shite, I have never seen four people walk around and no-sell shit for so long, it was ridiculous. 29 minutes of stalling for a chairshot at the end, I have never seen such garbage from so many big names. Fuck that.
Winners: Booker T & Sting over The Road Warriors via Chair To The Back of The Head!
(Doomsday Cage Match) The Alliance to End Hulkamania vs The Mega-Powers
At Superbrawl, Hulk Hogan beat Giant in the cage and held off nine men with one chair, it was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Now, we are going to have those 9 men take on Hogan & Savage. Everything you need to know is there as you can see Arn Anderson in his sweatpants, not even probably dressed for this bullshit. There are three cages, Hogan & Savage must fight through a cage to get to the next cage. Level 1 is Arn Anderson & Ric Flair, Savage goes for Flair, lots of punches and split-screen action which I grew tired of in the previous match but sure let’s see it again with even less visibility because of the giant cages. Chops and punches all around brother, so dangerous they say as nobody is taking a bump on the cage. Anderson sends Hogan into the steel pole in the middle of the cage, Hogan fights back and Anderson takes a bump off the floor. It is interesting to see they have the cage mostly in darkness, how could anyone watch this live in the arena, the spotlights hardly help.
Figure four by Anderson on Hogan, Flair does the same on Savage. Flair just passed a weapon down to the other members of The Alliance. Hogan and Savage threw powder in the eyes of Barbarian & Meng, I thought they hard to pin people to eliminate them? No? Flair & Anderson defeated by powder? Hogan punches Taskmaster and Luger with a chain, choking Taskmaster after with it before Luger makes the save. Hogan helps Savage escape from The Faces of Fear, thy are locked out of the cage. Savage & Hogan are after Taskmaster & Luger. 4 men defeated by a combination of powder and a lock, Savage did some move on Luger. Hogan and Taskmaster are on the scaffold, this is a scary sight, could Taskmaster tumble to the floor?
Hogan escapes the cage with Sullivan, Sullivan is clocked with the microphone. Big boot by Hogan, Taskmaster is clotheslined into the corner. Savage & Luger are free but so are the other heels, Hogan clotheslines Luger and chokes him with a boot. Hogan slams Luger off the barricade, Sullivan slams Savage into the steel cage. Hogan & Luger are in the ring together, Luger rakes the eyes. Corner clothesline by Hogan, Hogan punches the head of Luger. Taskmaster low-blows Hogan, the heels have regained control.
Did The Faces of Fear and Horsemen really just walk away? They really were defeated by powder and a locked door? Luger is cracked in the back with a chair, Luger smacks Savage with the chair and Hogan too. Ultimate Solution & Z Gangster is here, these big muscly men are going to destroy Hulkamania. We are back in the cage, lighting is shocking. Hogan chants here, better than the previous PPV. Ultimate Solution shoves down Hogan. Sullivan is stabbing Savage with a pole through the cage, Savage is up though and Z-Gangsta has been nailed with a double axe handle. Ultimate Solution is rocked by Hogan, Savage cannot knock Z-Gangsta, bearhug by Z-Gangsta. Hogan saves his partner, Z-Gangsta takes him to turn around and Hogan shits himself in fear of his old rival who chokes Hogan.
Ultimate Solution slams Savage down gorilla press style while Hogan rakes the eyes of Z-Gangsta to escape the choke. Savage is up high and dives into the bearhug, Savage is tossed to the mat. Wait a minute, Savage has something in his tights that son of a gun. Ric Flair & Arn Anderson are here again, I suppose the rules are very lose in this match. 4 on 2 currently, not sure why Sullivan is not in there. Where is Luger? Hogan and Savage are helped by Booty Man who hands them powder and frying pans, everyone is waffled with frying pans with incredible amounts of hokey phony wrestling. Luger is here with a loaded glove, Luger decks Flair but in a very bizarre manner. It looks like Luger did it on purpose but Hogan still murders him afterwards. Savage pins Flair and this fiasco is over!
Horrific, agonizingly lame with limited vision and just garbage all around, unclear rules, lame action throughout and Hogan destroying everyone in sight. Everything that makes WCW lame at this time on full display.
Winners: Mega-Powers over Alliance To End Hulkamania via Loaded Glove!
That was WCW’s Uncensored 1996, a brave effort from WCW that falls very flat. Why is it brave? Well I find the idea of having all these matches of varying styles go longer than 10 minutes and it works initially, we kick off with Konnan vs Eddie Guerrero, two men who can work that fast-paced lucha style with many moves that blow the minds of the fans in the arena, some awkward parts admittedly with miscommunication present but overall, a good display between the two and naturally Konnan comes off more heelish due to his physique and less flashy style than Guerrero, a possible heel turn could be very good for the big man. Things continue with a stiff match between Finlay & Regal, they just beat the hell out of one another for the longest time but you can feel the hatred behind each blow, it’s heated and physical and I love it, the finish is weak but the two men had me invested throughout the match, something so different from everything else in the company I couldn’t help but love it.
Things take a nosedive soon after, I don’t mind a comedy match now and again so I don’t hate Parker vs Medusa but as Medusa is the newer star here, I don’t understand what we are trying to achieve here, there is no Sherri, why is there no Sherri? Why isn’t Sherri putting over Medusa? So many questions here, Booty Man vs DDP is a severe downgrade from DDP vs Johnny B. Badd, Booty Man can’t even look natural dancing, he can’t sell and he is purely living off of Hogan. Loch Ness vs The Giant is a spectacle and goes short but again, why are teasing Hogan could have faced Loch Ness? The man can barely move, it’s embarrassing.
The Chicago Street Fight oh boy! The Road Warriors are one of the most disrespected tag teams in the 90s was one of the things I always thought about the duo, looking at how WCW and WWF treated them after the glory years of the 80s but having seen the level they were working at during the 90s, the treatment might have been deserved. These last 2 PPVs I have been horrific watches for me when The Road Warriors have been in the ring because there is a whole lot of nothing going on in that squared circle. It’s like they know it’s going the full 30 minutes so let’s just stink up the joint and they have and they are managing to do it with my boy Sting in there! How is that possible? The often overlooked most popular guy in WCW boring me in matches? Unthinkable yet here we are, I cried out for a break from The Nasty Boys vs Harlem Heat but I think I would take them any day over this joke. The Doomsday Cage is just horrific, the idea that all these heels are being battered by two guys is difficult enough but fans can barely see what is happening, they cannot take any bumps on the cage so it is kicks and punches which is a boring watch and it’s just so convoluted and dumb, it’s bleh. I can’t even articulate how much I hate main event Hogan in WCW when he is half-assing it, I thought Jarrett in TNA was my kryptonite but this my top it, I don’t know if I can take more of this guy. WCW in 1996 needed a coolness and edge and thank God for the NWO because I shudder to think of how wrestling could have been with Hogan doing this shtick for much longer. Avoid this one, thanks for reading and remember: there’s always another night!